Delfina (my name for her) emailed me immediately after reading my most recent blog entry, Dolphin Energy…her earlier email to me being the heart of the entry.  Her second email, a result of reading the blog, was rich with her insight and awareness.  As she said, “I went another layer into understanding”.  I asked her if I could create another blog entry around her most recent email.  Of course!  After a bit of discussion, I hung on the phone while she quickly edited out what she saw as unnecessary.  The following is what was left:

Do you remember when we were walking the cemetery with Ralphy?  You said to me, "You don't know how to be here."  This is why--this is why I don't know how to be here.  All I know is love.  All I know is dolphin life, which to me was nothing but a community of loving beings supporting one another.  I don't know anything but this, and the pain of being here is so great, I withdraw.  It's my knowing of love that makes me want to die.  How sad.  (Many, many tears here....)  I can't bear the pain of this place, this non-dolphin, non-loving place.  This hate-filled, power-monger, greedy, self-serving, abusive society......but I have to. I have to not only bear it, but transform the pain into love.  I can't believe I signed up for this.  I want to say the order is too tall.  The task is impossible.....so just lemme go back there.  Now, please.......

I'm really so grateful to finally understand this death wish thing.  It was a misunderstood label to me up until now.  A cop-out kind of feel, for me.  To have a death wish was to feel suicidal, and that's just quitting (I know ALL about quitting, don't need to repeat that one again......)   This is a totally new understanding for me.......thank you, thank you, thank you......you're right, I don't know how to be here, and I think when we were in the cemetery, I’d said "duh", or something to the effect ......"why do you think I've been calling you", I dunno.....but I didn't realize why, until just now, I have such a hard time being here. (The “why” is from the previous blog entry Dolphin Energy. She says, “I don’t know how to remember that love and bring it here.  There’s the source of my pain: no point in bringing all that loving here.  No one would recognize it.  No one can see what I have.”)

Although it might be a decade ago since that walk in the cemetery, I remember it clearly.  I was walking behind Delfina.  She had no “land legs.”   I laughed out loud…to myself to see this “fish out of water”, this dolphin trying to maneuver a waterless terrain.  She looked so awkward, energetically so lost and pathetic.  My heart went out to her.  Her pain of not wanting to be here, not knowing how to be here…on earth was palpable.  Yet her heart was so big, so pure.  Would/could she stay, follow her purpose through to fruition? 

When Delfina and I talked yesterday, she “confessed” that a short time after her son’s birth she had been suicidal.  She went on to say that her son and meeting me was what had kept her here.  I responded that this was all by agreement.  We had come to work together…and she was now taking her place; it was time.  I was grateful.  Without question, this death wish was dissolved.  She had gone far enough beyond ego into understanding to tip the scale; no going back.

Before I finish, I would like to articulate a bit more about this powerful force we call “death wish.”   A death wish is a tricky matter.  Here’s the reason.  The ego lives within a self-imposed prison of insecurity.  The ego will literally die rather than change.  It will check out if necessary.  It will not let Spirit come to life because that’s the end of everything for the ego and the beginning of something else.  Ego fights Spirit’s awakening. 

In juxtaposition, when it’s time for the Spirit to come to life, it simply has to come to life.  When the Spirit has no space to come to life, it may “check out”, find a more cooperative vehicle if necessary (go through the birthing process or “walk in” a body) or perhaps work without one.  (Resist living your purpose and you limit/compromise the flow of vital life force energy to you, enough so sometimes to be unable to sustain "life".)

These situations are always akin to spiritual madness.  But if a person can be aware of the tug-of-war, the manifestation of Spirit can happen with greater ease.  You see, the goal is to transcend the ego while holding onto the physical, the body…truly a point of mastery…dying prior to dying.  Is it possible?  Of course!   So…we must overcome our “death wish” and at the same time die, die to our misunderstanding about ourselves (ego death), so a greater truth (Self) can emerge, just as what Delfina is experiencing.   

With the major changes going on in the world today, more and more death wishes will be "coming to life".  Watch out for yours.