The Forgiveness Trap
Thank you, Maja, always such deep awareness in your comments. Enough here to create a blog entry rather than just a response to your comment.
Thank you Ia - I particularly resonate with your sentence: "No struggle can exist in this collective reality where we are all one..." Thich Nhat Hanh wrote a poem on Interbeing that stayed with me ever since I read it; the poem reads in part:
"I am the twelve-year-old girl,
refugee on a small boat,
who throws herself into the ocean
after being raped by a sea pirate.
And I am the pirate,
my heart not yet capable
of seeing and loving..."
May we remember that.
It is interesting that you brought forth this poem for it bespeaks a greater law—a Universal Law. Greater understanding (awareness) dissolves conflict, or, in other words, allows us to transcend it.
On the contrary, forgiveness does not end conflict. Considering we live many lifetimes—many lives—if the woman in my latest blog forgives her mother (Judy) for what she did “to her”, she’s saying she’s a victim, her mother the perpetrator. Consequently, since the role to each other is defined in this manner—the belief created—mother daughter are locked into repeating this conflictual situation in further embodiments. The relationship to each other may change, meaning they may next come together as siblings or spouses instead of mother and daughter, but the issue remains the same. Through forgiveness, we cement ourselves as victims, and thus cement someone else as perpetrator—the client’s need “to forgive,” will guarantee the mother having to return again and again as the “perpetrator”. (To say, “I have come to an understanding of the conflict we’ve been stuck in” has a whole different energy than to say, “I expect you to tell me you are sorry for what you did ‘to me’.”) So, who are actually the victim and the perpetrator?
This is a BIG thought, one that does not dwell in the house of intellect. Conflict ends and understanding begins when we can delete the “to me” belief from our mindset. He did that TO ME versus he did that, period. The first provokes injustice, self-righteous indignation, it keeps feathers ruffled, fists in the air. The latter allows us to be at peace—nothing more, nothing less.
I’ve heard the argument, “But what about this or that situation?” What about rape or murder?” Again, Understanding—the Truth—sets us free. In the world of Universal Law conflict does not exist. In that world you would never find lawyers, courtrooms, judges, juries, prisons, death sentences, etc. Never! BIG THOUGHT! A way to maintain peace within is to always ask (“God”) to be shown what you cannot otherwise see—the truth of a situation. This is a most important time on this planet to begin to live by Universal (greater) Law.
Categories: Understanding, Forgiveness, multidimemsional reality, Universal Law, Past Lives, Awareness, Freedom
If victim and perpetrator are taken out of the picture, to me, what is left is participator. And there is a nothingness to it. A no-oneness to it. Much like you said, "The latter allows us to be at peace—nothing more, nothing less."
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Yes, what is left is participant (participator). Many levels of understanding surround victim/perpetrator matters--all nigh impossible to comprehend intellectually. It could be said that there are is no such thing as victim/perpetrator. The flip side is it could be said that we are all victims and we are all perpetrators. Karmicly speaking, we victimize ourselves. Hmmm, BIG thought.
A woman once asked me how she could every forgive the man who brutally raped her and left her for dead when she was 6 or 7 years old. Naturally, I responded that it was not about forgiveness, it was about understanding. Through exploration she saw that in a previous embodiment this man had sought her out with an intent to kill her. Finding her unavailable at the time and still in a state of fury, he brutally raped and killed someone very dear to her. Returning home and discovering the situation, the woman claimed, "This is not right. It should have been me. He came after me. It should have been me, not her."
With this declaration, she was doomed to play this situation out again...and she did. So who was the victim? Who was the perpetrator? Think about this from all side.
I could write a book on this topic, but for now, I will end here.
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So, who are actually the victim and the perpetrator?
Hmmm....ego. An energy that I've long convinced myself is ME. An energy that keeps me separate from myself. So, that then forms a question...if I'm not my ego, than who am I? When I sit with that question, I again pick up an energy but this energy feels completely different. With the victim and perpetrator scenerio, I feel this cycling back motion...like "a here we go again". There's a stuckness to it and a using energy. But, without the ego characters, Mr. Victim and Mr. perpetrator, there's more of an expansive feel. A movement that flows. A union with all that is. The energy is soft and all encompassing...which lends itself more to a "WE" than an "I".
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It comes clearer to me that "thank you" is far better than "I'm sorry".
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Yes, indeed. Thank you is far better, although "thank you" is a human expression, whereas gratitude is a function of greater awareness. Gratitude says, "I understand and I am at peace with life itself." Again, it is understanding that sets us free. If we are to successfully discover the gift in each and every (uncomfortable) situation, we will use our greater awareness, and thus naturally search beyond the surface of the incident, search beyond victim and perpetrator. Once the understanding is in hand, the result is gratitude.
Gratitude can express itself in a variety of ways, but not by personal determining. Gratitude has its own expression. We often recognize it by a flow of energy bursting forth from our hearts that can bring us to tears it's so powerful.
In conclusion: Thank you is a personal expression--it comes through words. Gratitude is an expression of greater understanding--it comes through the heart.
Much gratitude (or thank you) for your response to the blog. Perhaps I went off on a tangent here, but "victim/perpetrator", "understanding" and "gratitude" are all important matters to understand as we enter more fully into the paradigm shift that is upon humankind.
Gratitude--where one heart touches another.
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"Much Gratitude" like "peace be with you" are not the easy things for me to say. A bit of shadow awaiting light.
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Gratitude is a sign of being at peace with ourself and the world, it's "love" in action. Gratitude is humbling and empowering. It brings us to our knees and at the same time, rips open our hearts, leaving us transformed--body, mind and spirit. It takes us directly to the world where "love" abides. It opens us to the world of unseen support. If we truly understood gratitude, we would strive for nothing else.
In "sitting" with your words, it could be of much more value if we all began to say, "Peace be with me" rather than "Peace be with you." After all, that's where it all starts, ah?
"A bit of shadow awaiting the light," you say. Yes, if we could all embrace our bits of shadow....
With an open heart, I embrace and deeply value your thoughts and comments. kin, ia
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As I do you,
ed
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I could feel your message speak to me. So, in a greater world, there is no victim and no perpetrator. How did this all start?
Something is moving me..."I am a brilliant bright white light. I don't have a concept of who I am...I just am. I seem to be moving towards a prism. I'm flowing. I'm moving through the prism. There's a vibration. I hear...REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE. The words are creating the vibration as I move through the prism. From up above, I see there is a brilliant rainbow. Ah, I'm separate? I am the observer from up above and I'm all the individual colors of the rainbow? Ages pass. Eons. I'm losing the sight of who I am. Who am I? I meet someone and look into their eyes. Hey, I remember you. You remind me of me. Hey, are you my brother? Hey hey hey...you are me. I am you. Hey, hey, thank you for reminding me. I love you. I thought you were trying to hurt me. But, I see you came here to remind me I did that to me. I love you. God bless you...I will take your message with me for others to SEE."
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Reading your blog, Ia, and the many replies, I feel a deep sense of gratitude. Gratitude for an understanding beyond words and thought that emanates from so many of us. The understanding of being interconnected, interwoven in the fabric of existence itself.
And, yes, yes, accepting with an open heart, always.
Edward's "a bit of shadow awaiting the light" is another facet of deep resonance with me. Again, the shadow makes it so clear that we all are capable of everything mankind has ever done and said, be it beautiful or atrocious.
Accepting all aspects of who we are, with soft belly and open heart, allows us to be with each other as one breath.
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Maja, again so well articulated. Your expression calls me to bring forth a bit more information about gratitude. First, gratitude is uncontainable. It's headwaters are seated in greater consciousness and permeate in all directions while maintaining connection with its place of birth. It is more powerful than the greatest plague we can imagine. There are no vaccines. There are no treatments. Once it "strikes", it will most definitely consume us--not kill (although it may "feel" like it as it pushes open our heart chakra), but support us in coming to life, to the light of greater awareness (it's good medicine). It will take us to its place of birth.
Edward's comment is beautiful. He is beautiful in his vulnerability...as we all are. His few words speak volumes.
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I just turned 50 years old. This milestone is requiring me to examine what I have left to let go of.
I remember a past relationship with a boyfriend who lost his cool one day and beat me half to death. I was 20 then. Without greater awareness, what is there to do other than play the victim? Suck in close friends? Close down my heart? Thirty years too many in a pointless game.
I have examined the memories that guaranteed my boyfriend's and my conflict be played out once again, but boy, the victim thing is a devil to free oneself from. What was most difficult was that, in my heart, I did love this man, but society says I must dislike him for "what he did to me."
This blog reminded me, back there, of how much I had used my friends to maintain my victim status. To be a part of my story, my friends had to dislike my boyfriend too. I see how I became the perpetrator. Victim /perpetrator are so interconnected, even as it’s happening. The two cannot be separated. It really is a vicious game.
It took a dozen years to fully understand and own my participation in this conflictual situation, and the past memories that supported it. It took me a dozen years to realize I love this old soul who played this powerful role to me. I am grateful that he incarnated again so we could free ourselves from our karmic ties. I don’t have to like his or my behavior, yet acknowledging our true connection is powerful.
It was clear that I had reached resolve when, on my birthday, I invited this man to be my friend on Facebook. He accepted and we had a chat. I could feel my heart open as the energy between us shifted. It was beautiful. I am so grateful he accepted my friend request. I don’t know if he and I will talk again. It's not important. By acquiring the tools of deeper understanding, I have come to a point of resolve, and can love this man for the gifts he has provided. That is important.
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Your story is a living example of "true" resolve, which naturally leads one right to freedom. Your gratitude permeates your story. It is expansive, a gift to all of us, all of humanity. Kin, ia
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Very Grateful for this web-site, the subject on forgiveness has a powerful message for me.
I have used my power inappropriately throughout my life, my ego creating situations whereby I could get a sense of self.
The forgiveness blog is showing me that I don't need to ask for someone to forgive me. It is giving me the power to never go there again. it is up to me to own every moment, to pick myself up when I stumble.
Keeto
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We all have used our power inappropriately. For all of us, we have egoically set up circumstances to get a sense of self. This is the world of ego--our 3-D reality.
If there is no right or wrong, then there is no need to ask for forgiveness. There is a necessity, however, to own responsibility for our action. Example: "Please forgive me for what I did to you" versus "I recognize the error of my thinking and how my actions have impacted you. My intention is to transform my behavior. You have helped me to see how I can bring positive change to my life. Thank you."
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Seems to me that if there are no perpetrators or victims, then the labels of right and wrong have to go too? Is this right? Oh dear, there's my judgment again. Ia, I deeply appreciate how you write about these matters. With much gratitude, Rose
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It appears that your ego attempted to undermine your knowing—your big thought. Yes, if there are no victims and perpetrators, then right and wrong can be thrown out (they do not exist)—and think about what a bright world we’d have if we all removed right and wrong from our thinking.
To add to this BIG thought, depending on the perspective taken, we are all victims and perpetrators, or else there are no such creatures as victims and perpetrators.
We victimize ourselves. To do this we have to create a perpetrator (sometimes multiple perpetrators), which is an aspect of self, like victimizer. But it’s not easy to say, “I’m victimizing myself by creating my own perpetrator.” We then, in a state of self-deception, externalize the situation, blaming others for what we do to ourselves. This way it’s easy to wash our hands of responsibility for our self-creation—easy to place (false) blame onto others rather than to own our actions. Victim and perpetrator are products of the world of ego. Outside of ego—in “God’s world—victim and perpetrator do not exist.
Volumes could be written on this topic. I’ll stop here.
Thank you for your great insights. Kin, Ia.
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