The conversation was coming to an end.  As is customary, Jack asked me to give him homework.  (Jack claims that homework allows him to stay grounded and focused…gives him something to chew on.) Without hesitation, I stated, “Shed six tears before we talk again.”  He laughed out loud, one of his deep hearty gut laughs.  Then came silence…deep, intense silence.   “Six tears, that’s two a day until we talk again, he blurted.   Another long silence.   “Or, it’s none tomorrow, four the next day and two the following day.”  Long silence.   “Or, six on the last day.”

Jack was the product of a classic toxic family.  His father had been an alcoholic and a rager, humiliation being the primary weapon he had used against his oldest child, Jack.  To manage such a nightmarish childhood, Jack had disconnected from the pain of it all.  He had gone numb.  He could not feel.  As Jack came of age, he relied on sex, drugs and alcohol, and other addictive behavior, to keep his pain at bay—to remain numb.  But the pain, worming around for 50 odd years, had taken a serious toll, and now was hitting hard on his physical body. 

 He had been chipping away at his childhood issues for some time, examining a host of traumatic incidents.  He was realizing how these incidents, stacked together, left him a man of many conflicting personalities.  The most significant challenge was that he remained unable to explore his pain from his pain, but only from the safety of his intellect, coldly and mechanically, not deeply and effectively.   

Somewhere, somehow, Jack was dogmatically certain that he had a greater purpose to live.  He was beginning to realize that he had no chance of living that greater purpose unless he opened his heart.   With a closed heart, he knew he was doomed to live nothing more than what he had lived to date…chaos and self-sabotage.  It was becoming clear that the only way to opening his heart was to “un-numb” himself, travel through the pain of reconnecting to himself.  It was cry or die.

 As is always the case, our childhood circumstances are determined by what issues we bring into embodiment with us.  Jack’s heart had been shut down for uncountable life times, creating patterns of limitation embedded right in his DNA.   One significant pattern says,  ”enduring embodiment is about cutting myself from my pain,” which ultimately is cutting himself from his own heart.  

The next level of awareness was for Jack to realize that he had come into embodiment with these patterns of limitation in operation and—like all of us, their defining his life was a guarantee.  In our next conversation, he begins to review his past lives for key memories where his heart had been severed.   He is just as proficient in exploring his greater past as he is his childhood, but the problem remains…he can’t “feel”.   He’s anesthetized himself.   

The first excavated memory flung the door to greater understanding wide open.   Jack had been an altar sacrifice, an infant given to the gods…heart cut out of him while alive.  He matter-of-factly spoke of the moment he jumped free of his body, escaping the trauma of the sharp stone knife ripping into his tiny body ceremoniously placed on a cold stone altar.

Next came the memory where he had been left at an orphanage on the day of birth, put in a crib and forgotten.  He saw himself, day after day, crying his heart out for attention.  Other than basic needs, none came.   To “survive”, he shut down, shut himself away from his pain.  He disassociated again. 

A slew of further life times with the same dynamics followed, enough that he could clearly see the pattern of limitation.  He was programmed to avoid pain, to distance himself from his emotional body with the greatest of will possible.   He was “heart-less.” 

Another exploration had taken him to a memory where he had been part of a gang of ruthless marauders, invading a country, village by village, pillaging, raping, destroying for the sake of destroying.  He had died heart-less—no shame, no remorse, no regret.   Two major aspects of this memory infiltrated his present embodiment.  He could be cutting, cruel and heartless, especially to women.  His arrogance and pompousness masked his deeper sense of humiliation, remorse and worthlessness; he didn’t deserve to have a heart.  Now, Jack was beginning to recognize that investing in the wounded child kept the heartless killer subdued, buried so deep he would never have to deal with him…at least not directly.  This was a Catch-22. 

The only way to freedom, the only way home to his heart was through his pain, through reconnecting to his emotional body.   It was a critical moment…shed six tears.    Like priming a pump, six tears would be ample enough to create an unstoppable flow.   But shedding six tears was a fate worse than death for the egoic self— the self who hangs onto heartlessness (self-imposed limitation) for dear life. 

Jack knew he could not leave his chaotic, self-destructive life until he reconnected to his heart.  He would never be able to know where he stood, never be able to stand in his own knowing. There would be no way for him to live from his heart until he embraced his pain.  Could he do it?  Certainly!  Would he do it?  Yes, for he was dead-serious and totally committed to living from his heart.   And…it was his time.  It was his time to shed the limitations of the physical and stand strong as a pillar of light during these changing times.   What this man was facing was his own death, death of the ego self. 

We talked again.  Jack had shed four of the six tears of his assignment, and that had been with Herculean effort.   He was certain the dam was ready to burst, but was clueless how to move forward.  His frustration was palpable.  The path to awareness typically follows a predictable pattern and requires intuition, using the brilliant mind as a tool for research.   First, present circumstances must be explored; what are the seeming issues at hand.  Then attention must be turned to the childhood, taking the pieces of understanding, like a puzzle, and begin arranging the pieces to obtain a larger, clearer picture of the issues.  The next step is to bring out the earth moving equipment, digging deep, hauling to light core issues born in other times and places.   This is where you get down and dirty--muck around in your greater past and bring up pertinent life times, looking, always looking for patterns of limitation.  This is where the detective comes alive.   This was the stage of the journey Jack was now on.

The subsequent step in excavation is a matter of beginning to look for the “buried treasure”—the heart of the true self.   (The core truth of who we are is buried the most deeply.)   This is the most profound of explorations…like digging to China.  At these depths, Jack found life times where he had lived from his heart, where he had stood in his own knowing, living heart-centered and expansive.   The deeper he dug, the greater the awareness, like bubbles wafting to the surface of water.   Here were lifetimes where he HAD lived from his heart…from his knowing, where intuition had been his guiding force, where he had lived as a pillar of strength and light in his community.   A reliable reference had been unearthed.   Although he could see what it was like to be a man living from his heart, he still couldn’t feel that, however, for he still had to shed those tears. 

A few nights ago, I read SIX TEARS to Jack.  His story!!!  He informed me that tears were welling up, not quite free to flow, but welling up all the same.  Birthing himself could not be rushed.  When the time was right, the tears would come forth like embryonic fluid signaling a birth at hand.  Jack would make it.   As Jack grew stronger in his truth, ego—the protector of limitation— was losing its hold on him. 

The ego must die for an authentic self to be born.  Authentic selves—pillars of light— are most needed now as the winds of change blow through…ever more strongly.   

It’s true for all of us…to return to our heart, heart of our own brilliant mind, to return to “love”, we must dig deep into our own disconnection, delve down through the layers of illusion, starting from our present embodiment, following the thread of separation back to the heart of our own awareness.  (The influence of our past lives over our present embodiment is always complex to say the least.) When we do we will be free…free to bring the best of ourselves to the world.  The time is now to return ourselves to a state of consciousness.  There is no time to delay. 

The phone rang last night.  I could tell by the energy of the ring that it was Jack.  Without a greeting, he announced matter-of-factly that he had just shed 20 tears, then he broke down (broke open) sobbing.  Sobbing! Sobbing!  He was in touch with his pain—shame, worthlessness, self-loathing, pompousness, sadness, loneliness, failure…all were being washed away.  Shortly, he collected himself, gushed out a few words of pure gratitude, and then broke down again.  The floodgates were open, the damn was being drained.  Between bouts of sobbing, he spoke from his heart, spoke with grace and dignity and knowing.  At one point he announced with grave certainty, “There’s a crack in my ego, Ia, where who I am is breaking through.”  

The joy, the heavenly joy surrounding this moment was electric.  Right there, Jack was dying…and in the process he was being born.  He was witnessing his own death and birth simultaneously.  The heavens opened up and the joy of his spirit guides was palpable.   It was a God moment. 

Jack knew he had much more work ahead of him.  He also knew he had the tools to continue on his journey—his heart and his intuition were the master tools.  He would continue to gather pieces to his own life puzzle, gaining more and more clarity as he fit them together.  Nothing could or would stop him.  He was on the road to freedom, on the Heart-Road Home.